faces...

I know no one that is worth sacrificing for...

Judgementalists' eyes ... Evils' laughters ... I-do-not-believe-you aura ... 
Blame. Embarrassment. Pain. Blame.


I really fear death. It has always been my greatest fear. But, sometimes I just wanna die... Even for only just an hour.

"Can I please die for just an hour???"


Embarrassment is also one of my top weaknesses, especially if it is because I am accused. The feeling, the strong, flaming feeling of pain, hatred and anger makes my soul whisper to me that I want to be swallowed up by the ground alive.


It was so strong that I want to kill them or myself.


Also, I cannot withstand bad opinions. Bad, in such a way, that they don't believe me, that they cannot understand me and judge me.


It has always been hard for me to explain or to tell my emotions or thoughts to other people. I've always wanted them to know that I am like them, too... that I see, feel and believe just like they do.


Everything, especially this things, this attitude of mine started when I was in Grade 6. I had a huge emotional breakdown during that time. I was always bullied, judged. Even some of my teachers treat me like that. Well, in fact, they are the one who make my classmates think that I am a liar, fool and nobody. I always tried to show others that I am a happy girl and I really tried my best to prove those Witches that they are wrong. I studied hard and I joined a contest. Fortunately, I won First Place on my contest in Photo Journalism and I got high marks. I also did my best to become friends with my classmates and to make them believe me. 


During our third semester, one of my bad teachers retired. She always got sick and she was pretty old to work. Because of that, we had a new teacher named Joan Gomez. We call her Teacher Joan because she is still young and she is really a good, friendly one. All of us loved her so much because every friday is play day. The room was full of jack stones, snake-and-ladders, yu-gi-oh game cards and scrabble. When she knew what I am experiencing, she always helped me to get in the way. She has always been at my side.


The Witches noticed that unlike them, she is good to me and that my classmates treats her specially too. The result? Teacher Joan also suffered because of them. She was always called and scolded by the principal because of their lies. One time, she even cried in front of us. We embraced her and supported her. 

That experience had affected me until now. It was tattoed on my mind that most people, especially adults won't believe or understand me. Only a few will do. That's why I always kept my inner self to myself.

Maybe, sleeping can help when I'm lonely or angry. It can be used as an alternative on dying for just an hour. The difference is, if I am physically dead (but spiritually alive), I will know who will cry for me... that I am loved too... that they love me...



P.S: I'm such a psycho... I'm just releasing the Emo inside of me. I was badly hurt today... :(

reminiscent

 
Disclaimer: I do not own the photo

I love writing poems... especially when I'm pretty, badly, deeply lonely... 
saka mas madali gumawa pag malungkot diba? magsulat ng tula, gumawa ng kanta o magpainting??? 
And I believe that there are more sad people than the happy ones...


Reminiscent

i’m staring at the sky again

thinking of what had happened.

i’m recalling all the memories

year 2009 turned out to be year 2007.

the past always haunts me

it always makes me lonely.

everytime i am into this

my heart is filled with fears and tears.

reminisce

i am fighting with time again.

reminisce

i am crying my soul out again

reminiscing

i am thinking of you while losing myself.

and i become my weakest

everytime i reminisce.

death doesn’t exist

it is just the absence of life.

and when i reminisce

i die while breathing life.

heaviness i can’t carry on

even my eyes cannot explain it all.

i admit defeat

this is the game i cannot fight.

the scent, the weather

the aura, the pain

the sky, the stars

the sequences, the consequences

the sadness, the happiness

reminiscing, i remit. 

I was really hoping I can play an instrument someday... and make a music for that poem... Malayang Pagsulat 'yan kaya walang rhyming o uniform syllables... hehehe... Well, I wasn't good at writing poems though... "Reminiscent" is enough to be the evidence...

P.S: What do you do when you're lonely??

my greatest fear

Disclaimer: I do not own the photos

I always say to my mom that I really love sleeping and maybe, I just want to sleep forever. Kiddingly, she will say that I only want to die and there is a muriatic acid available in the c.r. (haha!) I admit, I am a late-sleeper. I usually sleep around 4 or even 7 am, and I will wake up around 4, 5 or 6 pm. But, I don't want to die. I always say to her, to my sister and to my friends that my coolness comes to an end when it comes about "death". I want to achieve all my goals, my targets in life. I want to help many people. I want to experience independence. I want to learn from ups and downs. I want to have so much time to find myself.


I want to sleep forever... but... it doesn't mean I want to DIE... weird, huh???