faces...

I know no one that is worth sacrificing for...

Judgementalists' eyes ... Evils' laughters ... I-do-not-believe-you aura ... 
Blame. Embarrassment. Pain. Blame.


I really fear death. It has always been my greatest fear. But, sometimes I just wanna die... Even for only just an hour.

"Can I please die for just an hour???"


Embarrassment is also one of my top weaknesses, especially if it is because I am accused. The feeling, the strong, flaming feeling of pain, hatred and anger makes my soul whisper to me that I want to be swallowed up by the ground alive.


It was so strong that I want to kill them or myself.


Also, I cannot withstand bad opinions. Bad, in such a way, that they don't believe me, that they cannot understand me and judge me.


It has always been hard for me to explain or to tell my emotions or thoughts to other people. I've always wanted them to know that I am like them, too... that I see, feel and believe just like they do.


Everything, especially this things, this attitude of mine started when I was in Grade 6. I had a huge emotional breakdown during that time. I was always bullied, judged. Even some of my teachers treat me like that. Well, in fact, they are the one who make my classmates think that I am a liar, fool and nobody. I always tried to show others that I am a happy girl and I really tried my best to prove those Witches that they are wrong. I studied hard and I joined a contest. Fortunately, I won First Place on my contest in Photo Journalism and I got high marks. I also did my best to become friends with my classmates and to make them believe me. 


During our third semester, one of my bad teachers retired. She always got sick and she was pretty old to work. Because of that, we had a new teacher named Joan Gomez. We call her Teacher Joan because she is still young and she is really a good, friendly one. All of us loved her so much because every friday is play day. The room was full of jack stones, snake-and-ladders, yu-gi-oh game cards and scrabble. When she knew what I am experiencing, she always helped me to get in the way. She has always been at my side.


The Witches noticed that unlike them, she is good to me and that my classmates treats her specially too. The result? Teacher Joan also suffered because of them. She was always called and scolded by the principal because of their lies. One time, she even cried in front of us. We embraced her and supported her. 

That experience had affected me until now. It was tattoed on my mind that most people, especially adults won't believe or understand me. Only a few will do. That's why I always kept my inner self to myself.

Maybe, sleeping can help when I'm lonely or angry. It can be used as an alternative on dying for just an hour. The difference is, if I am physically dead (but spiritually alive), I will know who will cry for me... that I am loved too... that they love me...



P.S: I'm such a psycho... I'm just releasing the Emo inside of me. I was badly hurt today... :(